Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I've been at my new job for about 7 weeks now. And I'm struggling. Quite a bit. But I keep forcing myself to sit down and "go to work" because it is what normal responsible, non-"crazy" folks do, right?

I wake up every morning with an anxiety-heavied chest. I'm having panic attacks throughout the day. Honestly, I haven't even been doing the job correctly, because my brain is so disconnected that I am not thinking straight. My hands shake. My eyes fill up with tears.

The most frustrating part of all of this though is that I can do this job. I *know* I can do this job. It's something I have done in the past. It's freaking tech support. It's helping people, and being polite, friendly, and professional.

Today my mantra will be "I can do this".

Friday, February 22, 2013

This blog thing has eluded me for years. There was a time when I blogged daily, multiple times a day even.  I wrote about everything. My life was quite literally out there for anyone who wanted to look for it. And then I had the freedom of writing stolen from me when the entire contents of my LiveJournal was presented (and rejected) as evidence in my custody hearing. Hundreds of entries printed and photocopied and presented in court. Entries I had assumed were safely tucked away from prying eyes because they were marked "friends only".  The story of how that privacy setting was breached is long and sorted and really not as interesting as it would sound. To say the least, it gave me a very strong fear of blogging, or at least of blogging honestly.

And yet, here I am again. Blogging. I love to write. I love the process of developing a post in my head throughout the day and keeping phrases tucked in the recesses of my mind until I have the opportunity to sit down at the computer. I giggle to myself when I'm snapping pictures to go along with a mediocre craft project or a failed attempt at cooking.

Maybe now that I have a stronger sense of boundaries and a less dramatic life, I can feed the little blogging monster in my brain.  I won't be putting it *all* out there this time around, but at least I can put it out there.

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