And then we were able to sigh (and scream) with relief

Our perfectly measuring, perfectly heartbeating little bug! at 8 weeks

By the time we got to our ultrasound appointment on Monday morning, I had honestly come to terms with the idea that we might *not* be pregnant. If we had a blighted ovum, I was ready to ask about surgery to remove the fibroids and recovery time before we could start our next cycle. 

The nurse practitioner got us all set up in a room and immediately saw "something" on the ultrasound screen. She thought that it might be a yolk sack, but the machine she was using was showing a lot of interference and static. She asked if we would mind switching rooms. At that point, I was so excited to hear that there was anything at all in my uterus, that I would have run to the other room without bothering to put on my pants. Thankfully, The Wife was there to remind me that I should get dressed first. 

We got settled into the other room, and as soon as the nurse turned on the ultrasound, there was our little bean. There was still a lot of interference from my fibroids and my very anterior uterus, but the baby was there. There was no denying that the baby was there. She took a few measurements and decided to try using the abdominal wand instead of the transvaginal.  And immediately we were able to see everything we had missed last time. And a perfect little 164 bpm heartbeat flickering. She turned on the sound and we heard the little wubwub wubwub. At that point, I think the wife and I may have had a bit of built up emotion because we both screamed and started crying. (The front desk staff was greatly amused!) 

So, now, we have a healthy little pregnancy going on! We've been released from care at our fertility clinic and we have our first appointment with a midwife on Friday. 

And then the rug of security was pulled out from under us

On Thursday, we had an appointment to go in for our confirmation of pregnancy ultrasound at 6 weeks, 3 days along. We arrived early to the appointment, and we were both so excited to get our first glimpse of our little "sweet pea" (the approximate size of a 6 week pregnancy).  We checked in and when our nurse came out to get us, we were giddy. We joked about how rare it is to have a successful first insemination and how lucky we were.  I was incredibly nervous excited and my blood pressure was a little on the high side. Nothing to be incredibly worried about, but something to definitely keep an eye on.

The nurse practitioner who did our insemination came in to perform the ultrasound. Right away, I could tell she was having trouble. She seemed to be trying at a number of different angles and never quite bringing anything into focus. After about five minutes, she decided she was going to go get the doctor, because the fibroids that I had prior to getting pregnant were now larger due to the pregnancy hormones and, in turn, were making it difficult to get a good view of my uterus.

The doctor was not our normal Reproductive Endo, which made it very uncomfortable. You really develop relationships with people when they are regularly "all up in your business". She was really digging around with the ultrasound wand and it was absolutely not comfortable. The next bit of time really kind of blurs together and I don't really remember things clearly. But the things I do remember:

• Seeing the gestational sack, which was measuring perfectly for how far along we are. 
• The doctor focusing over and over on the sack and measuring it. 
• Constant comments about the fibroids being in the way. 
• Not seeing anything inside the gestational sack. No fetal pole. No heartbeat. No yolk. 

And just then, I began to cry. Because I realized exactly what she was saying. We were facing the very real possibility of a blighted ovum.  Essentially, an implanted pregnancy that stopped forming the embryo because of chromosomal issues. She told us in no gentle terms the scan was inconclusive, a lot of the problems were the fibroids getting in the way and obscuring the view of the gestational sack, and then, out of no where, and that if it wasn't that, that it "wasn't my fault" and that "it was a chromosome issue and wouldn't have been a healthy baby". I felt as though I was being punched in the stomach. I was unable to breathe. 

For those of you that know my wife and I in person, you know that we are not a bickering couple. And yet, when Wendy tried to reassure me about not giving up all hope, I snapped at her HARD. To say that I was completely disconnected from reality 

The hardest thing to hear in all of this for me is that there is nothing we can do but wait a week to ten days and then have another ultrasound done. And hope and pray that everything is alright. And prepare for the worst all at the same time. 

We have an appointment for March 24. 

A 17 Year Difference

So, pregnancy as a 36 year old is much much more interesting than it was as a 19 year old.

At 19, I stayed out all night with my friends.

At 36, I am asleep by 9:30.

At 19, I drank gallons of coffee, smoked cigarettes, and ate crappy take-out food supplemented by the occasional full meal at Denny's. I truly took "eating for two" literally.

At 36, I drink gallons of water, can't handle the smell of cigarette smoke, and I'm very conscious of what I'm eating and have plans to limit my weight gain as much as possible.

At 19, I didn't feel an ounce of pregnancy until I was about 7 months along.

At 36, every moment of every day is consumed with feeling pregnant. At 5 and a half weeks, I feel like I've been run over by a Mack Truck.

At 19, my worries and anxieties circulated around things like how I was going to pay my rent and afford diapers.

At 36, my worries are more about future mortgages and shopping for a car that has enough room for a car seat.  


This time around is so very, very different. I'm definitely feeling it more physically, but I have so much more help and support this time.