Quaking In My Boots

I'm a pretty strong woman. If you've ever met me, know my story, know who I am, you know that I'm awfully hardy.  I'm sweet and soft and kind and compassionate. And I'm tough as nails.

But here I am about to approach what I am finding is the scariest thing I have done in a very, very long time. We're making a baby. The Wife and I have been talking a lot about how much of the process we should share with the world. Not because we're shy, but because we don't want to be that couple that over-shares everything.

I'm a little bit scared, because I've been labeled "infertile" before. When I was married to my ex-husband, he had what was essentially a zero sperm count. Anything below 15 million sperm is considered a low count. My ex had less than 500,000. So, technically, my ex was infertile, but I was the one that had to go through all of the treatments. There's not a lot out there to fix a zero sperm count. So, our option was insemination. When you combine that with my polycystic ovaries, and our chances were very, very minimal. We tried naturally for over two years, and then did 2 inseminations with ovulatory drugs, and failed every single time. Each time I got my period, I was pretty sure my heart was being torn out of my chest. I am fairly certain it was the beginning of the end of our marriage.

I met The Wife. I fell head over heels in love. She and I began talking about babies fairly early on in our relationship. We knew it was something we both wanted, though I really wanted to be married and settled in before we started putting a lot of energy into knocking me up. But now we're married and we're very settled. We have a wonderful relationship. We live in a neighborhood we love. The Wife has a fantastic job. I am in a position where I can continue to work occasionally and be at home to care for a child.  We're ready.  It's definitely time!   

But I'm so scared! And I know I'm going to need support and I'm going to need to vent. I will absolutely continue to link to my blog posts on Facebook, but I'm going to try to keep the baby making crazy contained just to my blog so that my friends who could care less about this process don't have to read it. 

So, how can you support us? Honest, I don't know. I do know the things that hurt when I hear them (and believe me, we've already started hearing them).

Things NOT To Say When Your Gay Friends are Making Babies

You can always adopt or foster. 

It will happen when it is supposed to happen. 

Maybe it isn't meant to be. 

Aren't you afraid of multiples?!?!

Have you tried XYZ method of increasing fertility? My second cousin twice removed did that and got pregnant right away!

You can just keep trying. 

It was hard for me and Mr. Me, but we just kept having sex and it happened.

Every time my husband looks at me, I get pregnant.

Why don't you just go have a one night stand? 

Who will the father be? Do you know what the father looks like? 

What will The Wife be to your baby?

Has anyone seen my brain?

The Wife and I both started classes this last Monday. To say that our house has dove headfirst into a bit of chaos is the understatement of all time. She's working her way through four classes. I'm working my way through four classes. Essentially from as soon as we finish eating dinner at night until we are ready to fall asleep, we're both working on homework. Thankfully this first week has been pretty simple and it's giving me a little bit of time to ease into it. 

The Wife has been doing this for a few semesters now, and between working full-time and her class load, she's been pretty exhausted, but successful. And I'm sure that once I get a handle on the overwhelmed feeling and get myself on a better schedule for my day to day household management, I will be successful, too!

Until that household management schedule gets put in place though, if you come over to visit, don't mind me. My hair is never brushed before noon anyway! 

Biting the Bullet

For quite awhile now, we have been talking about getting rid of cable.

When The Boy was young, he and I lived for many years without a television. I was a single mom! I couldn't afford a television. And I certainly couldn't afford to pay for cable. So, even if we had owned a television set, it would have been basic broadcast channels. We passed our time reading and listening to the radio. Or occasionally watching a rented DVD on my laptop. We spent evenings playing board games, singing along to CDs and dancing while I made bread and baked BBQ tofu (we were vegan, too, but that's a whole different crunchy story).  Entertainment and fun were hard earned. We worked for it, but it was so much more satisfying.

As I have become more financially stable, entertainment started to come more easily. Flip on the computer and log into Netflix. Turn on the television and choose from one of 300 available channels. If there is nothing on that looks interesting, there's always On Demand.  We all have a bit of a television addiction in our house. The TV is *always* on. Quite literally. Our entertainment is cheap and easy.

During the day, I am home alone and I just turn the set on out of habit. And because it is background noise in an otherwise pretty lonely existence.

In the evening, we are generally catching up on the programs that we both enjoy watching while we cook dinner and then while The Wife works on homework and I putz around on a craft project. A lot of our "couple time" is spent watching programs.

I even sleep with it on because it helps to calm me to hear a voice when I wake up in from PTSD related nightmares. While I can justify my nighttime television, I managed to give it up last year for Lent by using guided meditation and some really great sleep hygiene.

Obviously, of those three times of day, the only one that is forgivable is at night and since I was able to find a suitable arrangement to avoid it during Lent, I think that I can probably work through it again.

So, we're in the process of giving it up. We spent tonight looking through some of the options for still being able to have our television provide some entertainment without costing us a bazillion dollars. We checked out online streaming services that we could run through our Wii or possibly through a device like the Roku.

It's not set in stone yet, but I think we're on our way to a cable-free home!

Bring Out The Big Guns...Please?

Next week, we'll be meeting with our reproductive endocrinologist again to start making plans for the beginning of 2014.

A year ago, when we first decided we were ready to start the baby making process, the plan was-

Cycle Days 3-7  Take Clomid
Cycle Day 12     Ultrasound to verify good follicles
Cycle Day 12     If follicles are cooperating, HCG ovulation trigger shot
Day 13 or 14     Insemination

But because of my history of failed attempts, I really want to beg the doctor for stronger medications. I am not opposed to injectables, if he would be willing. At the minimum, I'd really like for him to let me try Femara, which is a step up from Clomid.  I just really want to give us the best chance we can get.

How to be a "Good Wife": The Queer Edition

 On our wedding day- August 24, 2013

We've been married just a couple months, but we've been together over five years now. I think I've got this wife thing down. But we're a gay couple. We're both wives. There is no husband to be found. While we were engaged, I did frequently refer to my adorable fiance as my "broom" (bride+groom=broom), but on a day to day basis, she's my wife.There was definitely a butch/femme thing going on at our wedding and, you could say there is a bit of that in our daily life as well. But here's the shocking truth; there's not one difference between being a good queer wife and a good straight wife. 

I look for her endearing qualities and recognize just how much joy they bring to our lives. I listen to the ridiculous songs that she sings. I roll my eyes at her stupid jokes. 

I rely on her to do the things around the house that I hate doing, and I do the things that I don't mind. I love to do things for her, cook her meals, bring her little treats. She likes to touch base with me on her way home to see if I need anything.

I appreciate her for being the amazing parent to our son that she is and I dream about watching her with our future children. 

I support her in whatever it is she chooses to do, listen to her when she wants to complain about those choices, cheer her on through her successes and cheer her up about her failures. 

I nag her to take her vitamins, go to the doctor, take the trash out,  pick up her socks. 

It's all very complex and very,very simple. It's a balancing act, a precious precarious balancing act. But I work every day to find my balance and I try my best to love her a little bit more today than yesterday.

Linked up with the Lovely Belinda at Found Love, Now What

Thankful Thursday!

This Thursday I am thankful for...

1.  This little girl. She's so ridiculously sweet and lovely. She's a constant reminder in my life of newness and hope. Between that and being so adorably shaped like a furry golf ball, I can honestly say that she brings joy to my life every single day. (Even when I'm utterly and completely exhausted because she is keeping me up all night, which brings us to item no. 2 on my list)

2.  With the inevitable tiny amount of sleep I have been getting lately, I have been consuming an abnormally large amount of coffee. Pumpkin Spice cream has been without a doubt making this a much more enjoyable experience. 

3. To continue on with the autumnal theme, the beautiful view from my front porch. Even though my reasoning for sitting on my front porch is not my proudest (smoking again), there is something about the colors of fall that really soothe my soul; the creamy yellows and browns of the leaves on the ground, the soft bluish grey of the sky,the deep greens of the pine trees. The earth is falling asleep. It's a constant reminder of the need to slow down during this season. 

4. My wonderful, amazing, beautiful wife. She has been so patient with me this last month or two as I have struggled with anxiety and depression. I am not the ideal partner when I'm in the midst of a panic attack or having a really hard night. I'm so incredibly grateful that I found her and that I get to keep her.