Wowza, life is interesting! This month has been crazy.

I'm applying to nursing school and dealing with all of the paperwork and craziness that comes along with that.  . Wendy and I are both working on finishing up degree programs this semester. (Wendy will be getting her BA and I'm finishing up my AA.) We're long-distance planning a 90th birthday party for Wendy's grandmother, the sweetest tiny woman to ever live south of the Mason Dixon line. We're both a bit overloaded.

Ozzy has been...pleasant.  Okay, that's a bold faced lie.  Ozzy has been an absolute challenge lately.

Naps:  I know that part of it is the struggle we've been having with keeping him to a consistent schedule. Ozzy is trying to phase out one of his daily naps. The remaining nap has been all over the place. If the kid sleeps for more than 10 minutes (like in the car in between activities), he thinks that's all the nap he needs for the day, and is therefore impossible after 4:00 in the afternoon.  Or he'll decide he wants to take another nap at 6 o'clock at night, which means he's up until 10:30.  When you tie those things together...well, it's had to get schedules to sync up. We haven't found a solution yet.  I've been getting up at 5:30 every morning to get a couple of hours of studying in, but we're still working to find a solution for Wendy. We'll get there.  We have 12 weeks left of the semester.

Nursing: We've also been working on finding a more suitable nursing schedule for us. He has started to just "help himself" by reaching into my shirt and whipping things out for himself. If I'm not wearing a high neck shirt, it's a downright baby buffet.  As much as I hate to admit it, I'm starting to feel...a bit resentful. And since breastfeeding is a relationship, we both need to be happy. So, we're working on it. We nurse at naps and at bedtime, guaranteed. And if it's not one of those times, he needs to ask nicely for it. (For my non-verbal toddler that means signing for milk or hungry). We've only had about two major tantrums about the new arrangement. So, I'll call that a minor success.

Combine Ozzy's battles with everything else that is going on and life has been rough.

We lost our best friend on January 15. Riley, our 10 year old boxer, died from a very quick fight with Cancer. We noticed he was struggling over the holidays and took him into the vet when we came home from Missouri.  An exam and an x-ray found a large tumor in his lungs. The vet estimated he had two weeks to live. We brought him home and we made the seven days after that appointment the best days we could. He ate fast food, slept whenever he wanted, got tons of extra cuddles. His discomfort began to get more and more obvious.  The day that we decided we would take him in to help him pass, we got ready and took him to the car.  As soon as the car pulled out of the driveway, Riley laid down and died. The car was his happiest place, so it was suiting that he died there.  He will be sorely missed and there will never be another dog like him.  I know that everyone says that, but Riley truly was special. Everyone who ever met him loved him.

Biting the Bullet

For quite awhile now, we have been talking about getting rid of cable.

When The Boy was young, he and I lived for many years without a television. I was a single mom! I couldn't afford a television. And I certainly couldn't afford to pay for cable. So, even if we had owned a television set, it would have been basic broadcast channels. We passed our time reading and listening to the radio. Or occasionally watching a rented DVD on my laptop. We spent evenings playing board games, singing along to CDs and dancing while I made bread and baked BBQ tofu (we were vegan, too, but that's a whole different crunchy story).  Entertainment and fun were hard earned. We worked for it, but it was so much more satisfying.

As I have become more financially stable, entertainment started to come more easily. Flip on the computer and log into Netflix. Turn on the television and choose from one of 300 available channels. If there is nothing on that looks interesting, there's always On Demand.  We all have a bit of a television addiction in our house. The TV is *always* on. Quite literally. Our entertainment is cheap and easy.

During the day, I am home alone and I just turn the set on out of habit. And because it is background noise in an otherwise pretty lonely existence.

In the evening, we are generally catching up on the programs that we both enjoy watching while we cook dinner and then while The Wife works on homework and I putz around on a craft project. A lot of our "couple time" is spent watching programs.

I even sleep with it on because it helps to calm me to hear a voice when I wake up in from PTSD related nightmares. While I can justify my nighttime television, I managed to give it up last year for Lent by using guided meditation and some really great sleep hygiene.

Obviously, of those three times of day, the only one that is forgivable is at night and since I was able to find a suitable arrangement to avoid it during Lent, I think that I can probably work through it again.

So, we're in the process of giving it up. We spent tonight looking through some of the options for still being able to have our television provide some entertainment without costing us a bazillion dollars. We checked out online streaming services that we could run through our Wii or possibly through a device like the Roku.

It's not set in stone yet, but I think we're on our way to a cable-free home!

Terrified

We had an appointment with our reproductive clinic this morning. The doctor that we see is absolutely brilliant. He completed his undergrad at MIT and went to Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. His internship and endocrinology fellowship was done at Harvard.  I mean, this Dr. Brilliant (not his real name) has amazing credentials. His nurse ensures us that no doctor will take better care of us.

During our first few visits with him, I felt like he was going to do everything he could to get me pregnant, and treat my fertility issues aggressively. After our appointment today, I'm not so sure.

My cycles have become more regular in the last six months,which should mean that I'm ovulating. So, Dr. Brilliant has decided that if we want to try after the first of the year, I should track my cycles for a couple months and we will go ahead with an IUI in January; an UNMEDICATED, UNMONITORED IUI. No clomid. No trigger shot. No ultrasound to verify ovulation

(not my uterus. no uteri were damaged in the writing of this post.)

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I've been under the impression for the last ten years that my lady parts were in some way damaged and faulty. They don't function properly. I would never be able to become pregnant without the assistance of modern medicine.

So, now, my dysfunctional body is expected to achieve pregnancy with no assistance whatsoever. Because of six maybe functional months.

I'm deeply, deeply disappointed. I want to go at this aggressively. This process costs money! Money that we have worked really hard to earn and to save. I want the absolute best chance possible with each and every cycle.  A medicated IUI with ideal conditions only gives us a 10-12% chance of conception. I'm not letting myself do any further research about the success rates for unmedicated cycles. The one statistic I found was so incredibly disheartening that I cannot bear to look any further.

Bring Out The Big Guns...Please?

Next week, we'll be meeting with our reproductive endocrinologist again to start making plans for the beginning of 2014.

A year ago, when we first decided we were ready to start the baby making process, the plan was-

Cycle Days 3-7  Take Clomid
Cycle Day 12     Ultrasound to verify good follicles
Cycle Day 12     If follicles are cooperating, HCG ovulation trigger shot
Day 13 or 14     Insemination

But because of my history of failed attempts, I really want to beg the doctor for stronger medications. I am not opposed to injectables, if he would be willing. At the minimum, I'd really like for him to let me try Femara, which is a step up from Clomid.  I just really want to give us the best chance we can get.

Starting our prep work

 

 

We first started being seen at the Reproductive Medicine Center over a year ago, but wanted to take the time to save up money to purchase our donor sperm for all of our available cycles. We easily could have saved one cycle at a time and then just skipped a couple months in between to save up for each one, but the last thing I want to be stressed out about while trying to conceive is finances.

So, now we have plenty in savings to cover vials of sperm for all four cycles that my insurance will cover. I guess it’s time to get this party started.

We started the preparations over the last few months. I changed my regular multi-vitamin to a prenatal vitamin. We started eating healthier. I started paying more attention to my cycles. I’ve been quitting smoking and I think I’m finally making it stick. And as of today, the test sticks for my trusty Clearblue Fertility monitor were delivered. (I’ve just never trusted myself enough to read the regular ovulation predictor kits). We have our follow-up appoint on November 26 to set up the insemination cycle schedule and find out about medications.

To say that I’m scared is the understatement of the year. Back when I was with my ex, we attempted a couple of inseminations and failed. Now mind you, that was using what was essentially a zero sperm count sample. Our chances of conceiving were less than 2%. With a healthy donor, our chances are up to 86% with multiple inseminations. Those are pretty good chances. And there are two of us. So, depending on circumstances, we might have a secondary uterus and a few more cycles to fall back on.

But the thought of failure -- I do not want to disappoint The Wife. I don’t want to feel the disappointment in my body again. It’s ridiculously hard to sit through that two weeks between insemination and pregnancy test imagining a sweet little baby coming into your life only to have your heart broken month after month.

How to be a "Good Wife": The Queer Edition

 On our wedding day- August 24, 2013

We've been married just a couple months, but we've been together over five years now. I think I've got this wife thing down. But we're a gay couple. We're both wives. There is no husband to be found. While we were engaged, I did frequently refer to my adorable fiance as my "broom" (bride+groom=broom), but on a day to day basis, she's my wife.There was definitely a butch/femme thing going on at our wedding and, you could say there is a bit of that in our daily life as well. But here's the shocking truth; there's not one difference between being a good queer wife and a good straight wife. 

I look for her endearing qualities and recognize just how much joy they bring to our lives. I listen to the ridiculous songs that she sings. I roll my eyes at her stupid jokes. 

I rely on her to do the things around the house that I hate doing, and I do the things that I don't mind. I love to do things for her, cook her meals, bring her little treats. She likes to touch base with me on her way home to see if I need anything.

I appreciate her for being the amazing parent to our son that she is and I dream about watching her with our future children. 

I support her in whatever it is she chooses to do, listen to her when she wants to complain about those choices, cheer her on through her successes and cheer her up about her failures. 

I nag her to take her vitamins, go to the doctor, take the trash out,  pick up her socks. 

It's all very complex and very,very simple. It's a balancing act, a precious precarious balancing act. But I work every day to find my balance and I try my best to love her a little bit more today than yesterday.

Linked up with the Lovely Belinda at Found Love, Now What