Overview of My Time Away

So much has happened since I wrote here regularly. Part of my New Year resolutions is to begin writing more often. But I feel like a brief catch-up is necessary.  I'll try to keep it succinct.

November 2014

We welcomed this amazing little boy into our family. And we all fell in love with him. Deeply in love.

The first six month flew by, in a fog of postpartum depression to be honest.  I struggled. Hard.  That is another post of its own. But we had this little guy, and he is amazing. 

June 2015

This kid. Ash became an adult. He graduated from high school.  He got accepted to three of his four first choice colleges with scholarships at all three. He chose the perfect school for himself.  I could not be more proud to be his mama.

As a graduation gift for Ash, we took the most amazing family vacation to Disneyworld! 

We met with a mortgage broker in June and found ourselves a real estate agent. Big steps in the Berry clan! It feels as though we saw a hundred homes. We put in an offer on one house, and ended up losing it to another bidder.  During the house hunting, we also took a little break to rescue this little guy and his siblings from a sewer drain.

July 2015

We saw a house, put in an offer, and it was accepted!  With it came a move to the suburbs, but we truly found our "home".  We love our new community and location.

Ozzy got to experience his first baseball game in July, as well! 

August 2015

One of the hardest things I have done in my life was moving Ash into his dorm room.  It was surreal. How in the world has 18 years passed already? 

We celebrated our two year wedding anniversary on August 24. 

October 2015

Ozzy celebrated his first Halloween! He was not thrilled with the wet leaves, the cloudy weather, or his dragon costume.  But we had fun anyway. 

November 2015

His first birthday. And we made it one cycle around the sun. There was much cake eaten, multiple parties, and a visit from his Papa and Nana Berry.  

I'm never good at year in review posts. I also couldn't just leave a giant blank space for all of the time that I was away from blogging.  So, you got a brief peek. I'm sure I will expand upon it as I get into writing more, but for now, this is what you get.  

It's been 580 days since my last post and our world is forever changed

It is coming up on our son's first birthday. Everything has changed. And yet it all feels as though it is exactly how it has always been.  Oslo fits perfectly, because his space in our family was always just right here waiting for him. I am so deeply in love with this little creature.

There is no way for me to update you on the exhaustion, elation, depression of this first year of his life. I am still struggling with pretty severe postpartum depression and anxiety. I spent some time trying to recover in a partial hospitalization program. Ozzy has been the light of every day. If I could spend all of my time curled up in my bed in the dark with Oz, the world would be okay.  Postpartum depression is not very logical.

 In chronological order, Ozzy's first 11 months in 108 photographs.

And then we were able to sigh (and scream) with relief

Our perfectly measuring, perfectly heartbeating little bug! at 8 weeks

By the time we got to our ultrasound appointment on Monday morning, I had honestly come to terms with the idea that we might *not* be pregnant. If we had a blighted ovum, I was ready to ask about surgery to remove the fibroids and recovery time before we could start our next cycle. 

The nurse practitioner got us all set up in a room and immediately saw "something" on the ultrasound screen. She thought that it might be a yolk sack, but the machine she was using was showing a lot of interference and static. She asked if we would mind switching rooms. At that point, I was so excited to hear that there was anything at all in my uterus, that I would have run to the other room without bothering to put on my pants. Thankfully, The Wife was there to remind me that I should get dressed first. 

We got settled into the other room, and as soon as the nurse turned on the ultrasound, there was our little bean. There was still a lot of interference from my fibroids and my very anterior uterus, but the baby was there. There was no denying that the baby was there. She took a few measurements and decided to try using the abdominal wand instead of the transvaginal.  And immediately we were able to see everything we had missed last time. And a perfect little 164 bpm heartbeat flickering. She turned on the sound and we heard the little wubwub wubwub. At that point, I think the wife and I may have had a bit of built up emotion because we both screamed and started crying. (The front desk staff was greatly amused!) 

So, now, we have a healthy little pregnancy going on! We've been released from care at our fertility clinic and we have our first appointment with a midwife on Friday. 

And then the rug of security was pulled out from under us

On Thursday, we had an appointment to go in for our confirmation of pregnancy ultrasound at 6 weeks, 3 days along. We arrived early to the appointment, and we were both so excited to get our first glimpse of our little "sweet pea" (the approximate size of a 6 week pregnancy).  We checked in and when our nurse came out to get us, we were giddy. We joked about how rare it is to have a successful first insemination and how lucky we were.  I was incredibly nervous excited and my blood pressure was a little on the high side. Nothing to be incredibly worried about, but something to definitely keep an eye on.

The nurse practitioner who did our insemination came in to perform the ultrasound. Right away, I could tell she was having trouble. She seemed to be trying at a number of different angles and never quite bringing anything into focus. After about five minutes, she decided she was going to go get the doctor, because the fibroids that I had prior to getting pregnant were now larger due to the pregnancy hormones and, in turn, were making it difficult to get a good view of my uterus.

The doctor was not our normal Reproductive Endo, which made it very uncomfortable. You really develop relationships with people when they are regularly "all up in your business". She was really digging around with the ultrasound wand and it was absolutely not comfortable. The next bit of time really kind of blurs together and I don't really remember things clearly. But the things I do remember:

• Seeing the gestational sack, which was measuring perfectly for how far along we are. 
• The doctor focusing over and over on the sack and measuring it. 
• Constant comments about the fibroids being in the way. 
• Not seeing anything inside the gestational sack. No fetal pole. No heartbeat. No yolk. 

And just then, I began to cry. Because I realized exactly what she was saying. We were facing the very real possibility of a blighted ovum.  Essentially, an implanted pregnancy that stopped forming the embryo because of chromosomal issues. She told us in no gentle terms the scan was inconclusive, a lot of the problems were the fibroids getting in the way and obscuring the view of the gestational sack, and then, out of no where, and that if it wasn't that, that it "wasn't my fault" and that "it was a chromosome issue and wouldn't have been a healthy baby". I felt as though I was being punched in the stomach. I was unable to breathe. 

For those of you that know my wife and I in person, you know that we are not a bickering couple. And yet, when Wendy tried to reassure me about not giving up all hope, I snapped at her HARD. To say that I was completely disconnected from reality 

The hardest thing to hear in all of this for me is that there is nothing we can do but wait a week to ten days and then have another ultrasound done. And hope and pray that everything is alright. And prepare for the worst all at the same time. 

We have an appointment for March 24.